Where Were You?

The two old guys were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance. "Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?" "It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you." "I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening." So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. "What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?" "What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?

The Birthday Gift

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, as they had not been dating for long. After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right romantic note, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:

Darling, I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled, I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,
Jimmie

The Barber's Wife

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you

The 5:15

A young couple was married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon, but when the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule.

So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15. This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot.

The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three, and these three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.

One germ said, "I'm going to hide between two toes on her left foot, I don't think the antibiotics will find me there."

A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear, I don't think they'll find me there."

The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it!"

Mangled Measurements

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile perhour = Knotfurlong
7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year
8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line
13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycles
16. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
18. 10 cards = 1 decacard
19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard
20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 fig Newton
21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
24. 10 rations = 1 decaration
25. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
28. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League

All Too True

Learning that several of his employees were tanking up
on no-trace vodka Martinis during lunch hours, a wise
company president issued the following memo:

To all employees:

If you must drink during lunch, please drink whiskey.
It is much better for our customers to know you're
drunk than to think you're stupid.
-------------------------------------------------------
When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her list was "comfortable underwear." Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"
"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered. "If you smile, put them back." -------------------------------------------------------

Sound Familiar to Anyone?

WOMEN

Discover garbage disposal does not work
Call plumber
Plumber fixes garbage disposal
Pay plumber

TOTAL COST: $233.75

MEN

Drops spoon down garbage disposal while drinking milk from the carton
Discovers garbage disposal is broken
Scratches head and checks watch to see when wife comes home
Heads for garage and brings in tool chest then opens beer
Breaks tile in new kitchen floor
Curses and opens another beer
Pulls out pipe wrench and loosens pipe
Realizes water is not turned off
Goes to hardware store to buy wet/dry vacuum.
Buys new wrench set and drill at hardware store
Stops off at grocery store and buys a six-pack of beer
Calls friend to help and asks friend to bring beer
Realizes drill bits do not fit
Opens beer and goes back to hardware store
Buys drill bits and drinks a beer on the way home
Turns off water and pulls out broken garbage disposal
Looks for wet/dry vacuum and drinks beer with friend
Husband remembers he forgot to buy the wet/dry vacuum
Goes back to hardware store
Runs into car in parking lot
Buys wet/dry vacuum and new garden hose and goes back home
Drinks beer with friend as they look for the new garbage disposal
Husband slips in water and cuts hand on pipe
Husband drinks a beer to ease the pain
Goes back to hardware store
Buys new garbage disposal
Husband and friend stop at new strip club for lap dances
Police bust the strip club
Husband is arrested with friend
Both charged with soliciting for sex and public intoxication
Both released from jail after court and paying fine

Total cost to fix the sink:

Beer $23.98
Drill $147.98
Wrench set $31.67
Wet/Dry vacuum $117.99
Drill bits $9.98
Garden hose $11.23
Garbage disposal $167.78
Lap dances $250.00
Public intoxication fine $500.00
Soliciting sex fine $750.00
Divorce attorney $7,900.00

Total: $9,910.61

You might be Po' White Trash if.....

1) You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk
2) The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
3) You were shooting pool when any of your children were born.
4) Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
5) Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
6) You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
7) You clean your fingernails with a stick.
8) You've ever hit a deer with your car, deliberately.
9) Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
10) You keep a can of RAID on your kitchen table.
11) You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
12) There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
13) You ever got too drunk to fish.
14) You consider the fifth grade your senior year.
15) Directions to your house include, "Turn off the paved road."
16) The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
17) Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
18) You think the French Riviera is a foreign car
19) You prefer car keys to Q-Tips.
20) You've ever financed a tattoo.
21) The gas pedal in your car is shaped like a bare foot.
22) You've ever bought a used hat.
23) You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a dog.
24) You're considered an expert on worm beds.
25) You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
26) Your stove is on the porch and your lawn chairs are in the kitchen.
27) "Bambi" made you hungry for rabbit.
28) You learned to drive in a monster truck.
29) You spit chewing tobacco in the plants.
30) Your wedding reception included a beer brunch.
31) You believe books are bad luck.
32) You believe all-star wrestling should be an Olympic competition.
33) You believe all-star wrestling.
34) You recycle motor oil by moving it from the car to the truck.

Company Policy

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth.

Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to
try for the banana.

Why not?

Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how company policy begins.

After OZ

Long after Dorothy, Toto and the rest of the gang left the land of Oz, Good Witch Glenda of the North was horribly bored. She spent her days just floating around in her little bubble gazing at the land of Oz, hoping for someone to help or inspire. One day, while floating around in her bubble, she passed over a pond and saw a lonely little yellow toad perched on a lilly pad. He looked extremely depressed. She floated down to the toad and asked him what could be the matter.

"Oh Good Witch Glenda, you are right. I AM horribly depressed. I am completely colored yellow, whereas all the other little toads in the pond are green. Won't you please help me?"

Mustering up all of her kind heartiness and good will, she waved her magic wand over the toad, and his color changed to green. That is, all except his 'private parts.' They remained bright yellow.

"Good Witch Glenda! Thank you so much, but my lower extremities! They're still yellow, while the rest of me is green!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, dear little toad. My powers are strong, but apparently not strong enough. The only person who may be able to help you might be the Wizard, the Wizard of Oz."

So, in hopeful anticipation, he began hopping off toward the castle, where the Wizard of Oz resided. Glenda the Good Witch continued her surveillance of the land of Oz, floating around in her bubble. As she was passing over a pasture, she looked down to spot a pink elephant who looked horribly depressed.

"Oh, Good Witch Glenda, you are right. I am horribly depressed. I am completely colored pink, whereas all the other elephants in the pasture are gray. Won't you please help me?"

Mustering up all of her kind heartiness and good will, she waved her magic wand over the elephant, and his color changed to gray... That is, all except his 'private parts.' They remained cheerfully pink.

"Good Witch Glenda! Thank you so much, but my lower extremities! They're so pink while the rest of me is gray!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, dear elephant. My powers are strong, but apparently not strong enough. The only person who may be able to help you might be the Wizard, the powerful Wizard of Oz."

"Well, that's fine and dandy, but where may I find this fabled 'Wizard of Oz?'"

And Glenda, The Good Witch said: "Just follow the yellow-pricked toad!"

TOP 10 REASONS WHY SOME MEN FAVOR HANDGUNS OVER WOMEN

This ought to get me in trouble....lmao


10 - YOU CAN TRADE IN AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON THE ROAD.

8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.

7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.

6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.

5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.

4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.

3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"

2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.

and the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman

#1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN!